Here we go again

I used to make boring New Year’s resolutions every year and religiously break them. Even more mind-numbing, I used to make and break the same ones, which included growing my nails, joining a gym, and giving up gin. The usual twaddle doomed to failure because: my nails are naturally weak and brittle; every time I go to a gym I do my back in and have to rest up for weeks; as for giving up gin … get real!

The past few years I’ve tried to think of more interesting resolutions that I might have a chance of keeping. Others have been suggested by friends, some of whom are no longer my friends as a consequence. Here’s a sample:

• Publish a novel – I’ve actually written two, both pretty darn good, but only my Dad seemed to agree with me.
• Don’t be argumentative, combative and stubborn – I’m looking for New Year’s resolutions not a complete personality change.
• Give up profanities – If I knew the difference between a colloquialism and a profanity I might stand an effing chance.
• Spend less on unnecessary face-creams – It’s because I spend a lot on face-creams that they appear to be unnecessary (and I’m worth it).
• Tweet – Sound familiar?
• Switch to a vegan diet – That’s not a diet; that’s a crime against Darwinism.
• Stop killing wasps, spiders and mosquitos – I still kill them. I just don’t tell anyone.
• Spend less time on e-mail – That’s a good one, but …
• … Respond to emails more promptly – Anyone else see a problem here?
• Don’t be flirtatious – Oh, don’t be a wet blanket!

This year, being like no other, I’ve already made a few resolutions way before New Year. The jury’s still out on one or two of them:

• No more whingeing – Four weeks and counting, but …
• … Lose weight – I lost half-a-stone in November, but that was because I couldn’t eat during my whinge-fest.
• Stop Tweeting – Got the T-shirt.
• Once the shoulder’s sorted, get the back seen to – Then maybe I can join a gym.
• Keep the barn cobweb-free – Cathedral ceilings? Oak beams? A spider’s wet dream, but I invested in a new feather duster.
• Change the hairstyle – It changes of its own accord when it wants to and how it wants to. I don’t get a say in the matter.
• Invest in sexy underwear – I did. Bridget Jones’ knickers rock!
• Ditch the Shirley Valentine DVD …

… What do you think of that one, Wall?

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