I used to enjoy Royal tours. They were joyous, relaxing (for observers) spectacles. A chance for the UK to shine vicariously through the smiles, deference, handshakes, hats, bouquets and frock-changes of Her Maj or any one of our numerous HRHs. Behind the scenes, investments were discussed, deals were struck, and everyone parted the best of friends, a little bit richer in ways other than money.
But this Caribbean trip is irritating the hell out of me. If it’s not Kate’s garish gowns shoe-horned around her too-skinny frame (eat some carbs, Girl, and strap on a pair of kilos), it’s her jaw-aching, wrinkle-inducing grin-à-la-Joker, or Will’s self-flagellating hand-wringing over our colonial past, serving sycophancy to the historically ignorant and ammo to the opportunistic who no longer want his Granny (or his Dad or him) as Head of State. More than anything, they want ‘reparations’.
It'll all end in tears.
Let’s deal with the easy bit first – Queenie. To put it in perspective, she’s only still titular Head of State of 15 out of 54 (I think) countries in the Commonwealth. Every nation should decide its own destiny and, if the majority of the Jamaicans et al want a republic or their own monarch, then that’s entirely reasonable. Fewer opportunities for Kate to over-pretend that she’s rip-roariously happy making chocolate, dad-dancing or being beaten by Wills at some silly sport.
Now the difficult bit – reparations. Every right-minded person agrees that Blighty’s part in the slave trade and other exploitative and abusive aspects of colonialism was abhorrent. But, as one commentator put it (might have been someone in the Daily Mail so I’d rather not check who exactly it was), that was in a less civilised time and, as we became more civilised (funnily enough – as we moved further away from religion and more towards science), we awoke to our sins and led the charge against slavery.
If we have to pay compensation for centuries-ago slavery, then Brits should lodge a claim against the Romans, Saxons, and French. And while we’re at it, what about all the serfs in effective slavery to Lords of the Manor? If my impecunious family tree is in any way accurate, I’m due a few bob myself.
Few questions:
- How much is fair compensation? Should we pay for the various riches we exported back to Blighty? Should we backdate a fair wage for the work we extracted from the exploited locals? Should we pay for pain and suffering? Do we know how much better or worse off (financially that is) the ‘colonies' would have been had we not colonised them?
- Who should pay? British tax-payers, many of whom are descended from former slaves? The descendants of those who profited from slavery, no matter how impoverished some of them might be now, and no matter that some people who profited were African chieftains? The institutions that benefitted from donations from said ‘profiteers’, regardless of the number of former slaves that have directly benefitted from, say, educational establishments?
- Who should be paid? Assumed descendants of slaves, whether they can prove they are or not? The exploited countries, many of whom are today exploiting their own populations?
- What would be the opportunity cost of these reparations? As well as the amounts negotiated, how much time and energy and more money would it take to get there?
If you thought Brexit was difficult to navigate and negotiate, good luck with reparations – more players, more abstracts, more conflicts of interest, less evidence.
And then there’s the elephant in the room. China. They’ve already stitched up Africa; now the Dragon Nation is pumping squillions into the Caribbean – how to win friends and influence people. By investing in infrastructure, energy, agriculture, minerals, security, trade, etc. (is there anything left?), China is enticing the region into its sphere of influence, away from Britain and the rest of the West, hence the growing demand to ditch Queenie. In any event, the Caribbean is a nice base for an attack on America, don’t ya think?
The demand for reparations from Blighty sounds more like blackmail – cough up or we’ll dance to the Chinese tune. We shouldn't cough up, but we shouldn’t ignore the Chinese threat either. After all, the West ignored Russian aggression in Chechnya, Georgia the Crimea and eastern Ukraine, and look where we are now.
What can be done? We can’t match Chinese money in the region – we can’t even afford to pay for our own infrastructure never mind anyone else’s. And any spare cash we do have we’re spending on arming Ukraine; then we’re going to have to pay to help re-build it, Marshall Plan style.
So if we can’t use money we’re gonna have to try persuasion – easier said than done, but we do need to make the Caribbean nations see that they’re being played like guzhengs. One thing I’d do is send a delegation composed of Princess Anne, Trevor Phillips, Tony Sewell, Ben Wallace, Ken Olisa, Johnny Mercer … and Meghan Markle.
Say what?
Yup – include the coercive-controlling, lying, family-denying, back-stabbing, manipulative, opportunistic, talentless hypocrite that is Ms Markle. She’ll pale into insignificance and obscurity next to the rest of the delegation and show herself, her self-serving politics, arrogance, ignorance and greed in a true light. Jamaica et al will realise that they should ignore the inconsequential whippersnapper’s claims of racism against Her Maj and keep the good lady and the Commonwealth on their side.
The alternative is Chinese coercive control.
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